strange weather patterns, and calm winds
��������� �����prolonged sense of self. established, in place. stable.a bit of heartburn, the sun's rising, but i don't have much else to do today other than sit around, do homework, and work later on. a bizarre urge to be more active. the frisbee game a sunday ago was so invigorating that i felt myself stretching boundaries within myself, a bit more sure of physicality, a bit more in tune with something i'd estranged myself from out of sheer loathing.
still, the sensation of eye-twitching discomfort continues, a weird misplacement of id, but not quite uncomfortable. in fact, it's only been serving to throw comparison up against this new, seemingly happier & more content self. listening to other people talk about how sad they are, or how much in a rut they are ... it makes me sad, i guess, slightly, to hear about it, because i want to help, but i know from experience that you can't just offer a hand up, because that hand gets tugged on and tugged on, and when you yank it back out of fear, they fall further.
so i don't know. i don't feel bad, and i'm not being callous on purpose, but i think these people just need to make an effort to scrutinize their self-pity before they do anything, and it's hard, i know it's difficult .. but, ah, what am i saying. they'll figure it out.
this amorphous "they" that exists outside of myself, finding that integration is a lot less stereotyped as i thought it was - it's not always, friendly clap on the back welcome to the group, nice to see ya, etc - it's in & out, not a battle per se, but it's an acceptance that also comes from you. you accept (perhaps blindly) that you are accepted, even liked, and that carries through even when you're not with that group.
opportunity isn't something to be pinned down, i don't think, it isn't something you can say "oh god if i miss this one i'm doomed" because it's plenteous. the more you go looking for it, the more you'll find it. or some ridiculous adage like that.
school, work, life progresses fairly evenly. i think it's that i have something to keep me busy, a through-line that i am continually focused on, always keeping in the back of my head. stage managing is great, especially for me and my anal-retentive organizing skills. i'm hoping that proposing the same show i proposed last fall for SPA in the spring will give me another like thread to keep my mind focused and sharp. just always finding things to do, staving off indolence, always tasking and multitasking. and knowing when to relax & recharge.
so much for an interesting entry. although it is 8am and i'm sitting here in the pale, watery gray light of just-dawn ... i suppose i can be excused for meandering thoughts. there's things i miss about the past few years, but not too much.
for the first time, i think i can honestly & truthfully say i feel content. not completely, because to be completely content is sedentary. but for now, a calmness. waiting for summer to slide by and for fall to rush in, hurricane-like. and for winter to bash the sun out of existence, paint everything in white, and the inevitability of once-again spring. i chart my life, my moods by the seasons and by time. i feel fickle and bizarre. but finally, at a sort of home.