punchdrunk;
��������� �����he'd planned on going to sleep before a wave of something hit him, smack in the face, like some snide invisible god, saying - 'you haven't written yet, today. get to it.'it's probably because i got back into the roleplaying groove tonight. wrote my brains out. fluorescent lights, jittery subways, thought processes whirling. charcoal, chiaroscuro, all on the edge of Desolation.
spent most of the day with kristin. and not sorry i did, either. we went to borders, and palled around in the religious section for some time. she had to pick up a new bible. there are an amazing number of different versions of the bible. one of my favourites was the lilac-lavender 'catholic womens' devotional bible' with flowers splashed decoratively, tastefully, on the front.
'it looks like a tampax ad,' i ruminated aloud.
she picked up a book that was some nostalgic humour about sunday school and born-again christians. spent the latter part of the evening in her room with mark and her, listening to various parts be read aloud, their enthusiasm and laughter as they remembered something that the book prompted. i leafed through the onionskin pages of her new NIV bible, with concordances. desultorily through hezekiah, and job. amos? i didn't even know there was a book named 'amos'. they're quizzing each other on bible trivia.
'what's the exact middle of the bible?' kristin challenges.
'song of songs,' mark replies after a moment of head-scratching.
'what verse?'
'..i have no idea. four something?'
they continued on in that fashion. longest book, shortest book, longest word (some name in deuteronomy, or numbers.), shortest verse ('jesus wept.') longest chapter, shortest chapter, etc. it was fun to listen to them reminisce. ashley popped in 'girl, interrupted,' which i had never seen. we continued talking about our wacky families. they'd made plans, though, to watch 'wayne's world,' and i knew they wanted that time. so they went to mark's house and i palled around jason's room while he played videogames and asa redecourated.
watched 'secretary' and 'adaptation' today - both good films. watch for the review of them in critiq.diaryland (too lazy to a href it). a weariness, tonight, but a satisfied one. i made eggs this morning. unsuccessfully, but i tried. the hotpot lounges steamfully in the corner, now, after some ramen, and laundry is beginning to pile up. i did mention i got a part in that audition i tried out for, right? right - so it's the silver lining - a student-written musical based on 'much ado about nothing'. kristin and i are opposite one another. part of the 'lead ensemble' and tara is fanny, the expository-narrator type. jon messana, kristin's brother, is the benedick-character, greg. first rehearsal is thursday night.
a lot of thought, lately. just in general. percolation and analysis coming to a fruitful end. spent a lot of time just discussing motives of people today, and attitudes, and possible personality polarities, and why it is that people do what they do. [this damn christian rock song that mark had in his profile is on repeat. skillet - will you be there. not sure what it is about this song that i like so much. hm. i think it's the harmonies.] my bed's become unmade, and i'm rolling around a lot more in dreamless sleep. watching 'secretary' made me think of my own perverse sexuality demons, again, yes,
and i'm not normal, in the strictest sense of the word. i feel as though i will end up an expatriate perversion in the back alleys and garrets of paris, part of the New Wave Redux - henry miller and anais nin, hearkening back to the fitzgeralds and gertrude stein, and hemingway.
heartburn all day today, too. nothing that tums would fix. opportunities springing up, now, in the midst of this canadian rain season that has plunged all of us into gray and charcoal woe. dawn's slipping over the horizon already, though, and i wonder what kind of sleep i'll get today.
kristin felt, today, that anthony hadn't been there for her enough during her difficult time and break-up with asa. that he was too busy avoiding the situation he was entangled in and as a byproduct, was avoiding her. anthony felt that everyone was just busy, and he didn't want to get in the way, and he was tired of feeling intimidated, and that he didn't want to be the one to say the wrong thing, indecisive.
one day i could post exactly what i thought of everyone i know, right here, in a neat little list form. but the day consequent i'd be greeted by cold shoulders and frosty stares. shrug. kristin said she wanted to know what i thought of her today. i admire that kind of direct honesty, i think, that ability to be abrasive when it's needed. i feel a little bad about posting all of this in here, too, where i know everyone reads it. it's not subterfuge, or anything. i'm just being analytical. honestly, i think one of the main issues with our Group is simply that we all are far too critical-jokey of one another as it is. we continually cut one another down for sport, and then say we're kidding.
so what happens when it's time for us to say something and really mean it? it's going to hurt when the 'just kidding' doesn't come. where's the line that you cross? sometimes i don't feel like i know anyone really at all. that's a little disenheartening, but i content myself with the knowledge that i can be comfortable with any one person, and talk to them, and listen to them. even if sometimes i can't always do the same, i can at least be verified in that act of being the consoler.
besides. if we all have our demons, my bedlam is slowly clearing out. sunshine's spilling in through the filmy windows and the life is suddenly vigourous and healthy. next step: physical wellbeing. i'm going to continue with calisthenics (i've dropped off slightly in these past few days) and hopefully get a job working landscaping right here on campus, tomorrow. since today is memorial day and nothing's open. and if the guy from the movie cinema calls, well, then i'll just have a second job. i hope. leave comments, dammit. that's why i have that stupid thing. :P
we'll see.
we always see.