mindless ranting about stagnation
��������� �����i'm not even depressed. this fucking rain. i'm so sick of it. lots of christian rock on my playlist lately. from skillet, to sixpence none the richer, to plumb, to steve. i can't decide why. then it fluxes between the mothman prophecies, disc 2, tomandandy to the matrix:reloaded soundtrack. which i really like. i spent most of the early hours of the day watching the original matrix with the audio commentary of don davis, the composer. quite a man.i crawled into bed this morning at 7am, and woke up tonight at around 7pm. and i don't care. i didn't miss much, apparently, after two visits to jason&asa's - they both were playing videogames both times. i had a feeling kristin was doing something, and so ... no-one was online, really. talked to anthony for a bit. sat here. sat online. like a stupid sad fuck. pardon this entry's lacing of profanity. i feel indolent, stupid, and fat. not fat as in physically fat. just .. stupid. i have to go get a job today. it's at the grounds department here on campus - it'd be great if i knew where they were located. it'd be great. i think jason's going to apply there too. the guy from the movie cinema never called back, and i .. don't care. if he does call, hurrah. whatever.
why does my life focus around this inanity. i have to get this job, today. i have to go pick up my paycheck that i think i have waiting for me at billing. if i don't have one, well, then i'm going to be proper fucked.
feeling particularly snappish today - tonight? - at mostly everyone. i just want to .. do stuff. i don't want to sit around. you all might be waiting for the sun, and the warmth. i guess that must be it. turtle-like when the rain&cold happen, pull back inside and muddle around in a dither of indolence. indolence, for me, is depression. i swing back and forth in precarious moods, verging on irritated to just plain annoyed. this is how the most part of my day went:
i go over to jason's room. knock on the door. he opens it. the tv has that video-game on it. 'hey,' he says, eyes on the tv.
'hey,' i say.
'what's up?'
'eh, not much. bored.' i end up flopping down on the foam mattress which is still pulled out from when casey spent the night this weekend.
'yeah.'
long, long pause. i watch his little characters on the screen fight blobs.
'ok. well, i'm gonna go.' and i do.
'fine!' he yells, like he usually does, making fun. 'go!' and i do. i close the door and pad back to my own room.
hours pass. again. i get up. knock. 'hey,' i say.
'hey,' he goes. videogames. asa's playing one of his own, on his computer.
this time i end up falling asleep on the foamy.
'you come in here and take a nap,' jason comments as i'm getting up, groggy.
and go back to my own room. and here i've been. sitting here. watching the time slide by. i got up at one point and walked around campus. took a bite out of the clock, about a half-hour. joy.
'you should see someone to get your sleep cycles back in order,' asher commented online today. but why should i bother? why should i bother doing anything if no-one cares to visit, or do anything? i know it's expecting a lot, to be doing anything, with people who don't really have the funds to. or whatever. everything is stultifying. gray, stagnant, algae-green. sickening. and so i'm getting angry.
not that i expect a whole lot to happen - i mean, i did go out with kristin the other day, and that was a lot of fun. the only thing was, i didn't want to end that time because i knew the moment it did, i'd go back to my room and .. sit here. sit. i could start going for a run. i could start doing anything, really. but i'm always on the verge of getting a job, which would fuck my schedule up, so ... why bother? rehearsals, for 'the silver lining' start on thursday.
you have no idea how glad i am for that. somethingtodo. something. anything. why don't i know people who go out and do things on the weekends? like pal around the old port. or just go driving places. why are we so fucking computer-oriented? i know i am, i need to stop. stupid. i hate this stagnation. i hate it.
that's all. i won't be sleeping tonight, because i need to go find out about a job. so. it's 420am. whatever. stupid clock. stupid time. stupid.
radiohead's song 'let down' is appropriate. jonny, a member of the band, describes the song thusly : 'it's like when Andy Warhol said he enjoyed being bored. it's about that feeling that you get when you're in transit but you're not in control of it - you just go past thousands of places and thousands of
people and you're completely removed from it.'