i have so much nostalgia for a past i never lived
��������� �����i'm doing it again.sinking back into the familiar routine. yes, yes, violins playing. sobstory.
but every time i get so close! there is some unravelling epiphany - right there, right on the tip of my fucking tongue, and i'm just about to swallow it like a Universal Happiness pill, and then i shove myself backwards. into this ridiculous emulation.
john said. i'm about to leave rachel's - "you look like you're about to go to work at the gap. or starbucks." and i froze inwardly. and laughed inwardly. and said "good to know" outwardly and then left eventually. with lots of -lys on my tail. (note: ly pronounced lie)
soundtrack: smashing pumpkins, tonight tonight.
[the more you change, the less you feel]
i need to believe in myself. as cornball as it is. to have that faith, the uplifting silver light of a smile, the grin, the shifting surety that you are comfortable wearing your skin, that you are not a split personality trying so hard to encompass the other half of you - the reluctant half. is it that i am trying ... to be something i'm not in order to hide something that i am? clarity in the midst of a drag show tonight - it was the mr/ms usm pageant. usually distasteful. tonight was rather fun, invited up onstage as part of john's drag introduction - i was "harry" out of the "tom, dick, and harry" guys there. even to be given a false name for those few seconds. inwardly liberating. something set free.
"it makes me so sad to know they're so unhappy with themselves," rachel said tonight, on an unrelated note. rachel makes me so happy sometimes. just to hang around with her, even if we sort of fought, or if i say something that was unexpected or offensive - looking back on it, it's an uplift. it's always a smile i end up leaving with. i studied lines with her and retyped their complaint note about the dance show on her computer. it felt good to apply logic, cold hard facts and logic to a letter - and to know it will go to use somewhere. to take points and synthesise them into words, sentences, flowing and grammatical -
feeling a variety of emotions. mixture & melange. so close to something. who would want to be around someone who was trying to be them. who would want to be friends with themself? and which point of view do you take?
everyone is in love with everyone else. some embrouillement, i'm sure. wild eyes and blurry vision, long walks in the crazy night, cigarettes you shouldn't be smoking. [the impossible is possible tonight] - and so close so close so close to that burning that burning it's right inside right there this ancestral happiness, this contentment that ... is / isn't at the same time, finding complete totality in a moment where nothing else is complete - solitude that is comfortable in the centre of a crowd, this inner awareness that you are not who you are trying to be, and then
you look into a mirror. catch a reflection. and your carefully constructed joy implodes. breaks, shatters, evaporates. suddenly you're you and you're not who you saw yourself as. cloak the parts of yourself that you see in an imagined OTHER PERSON and you will be safe. the fucking face, the fucking face ...
even hands. i hallucinated i had new hands tonight. i dreamed last night that all of my fingers were cut off. that i walked funny and everyone laughed. today i have been consciously adjusting my pace. OTHER PERSON. soundtrack - smashing pumpkins, today
[today is the greatest day i've ever known, can't live for tomorrow, tomorrow's much too long - i'll burn my eyes out, before i get out]
i need some sort of liberation but i can't explain what i need to myself and i haven't been able to explain it to anyone else either. i watch freedom in various forms, art, dance, writing, poetry, song, the season's slow wheeling ... mark ... seeing such ease, such inexorable movement away, feeling a bizarre entropy -
wait. pause - i am NOT the centre of the universe. smile. grit teeth. sssmile harder.
end pretension. i need to remember to breathe. quiet silver smiles. desire. desire to change, to move on, to ... walk. just walk.
just walk.
[soundtrack - smashing pumpkins, mellon collie and the infinite sadness.]