sometimes i don't think i'm worthy of my skeleton
��������� �����actually slept last night, before 6am. lindsey rented 'below' and 'wendigo' so we watched 'wendigo' last night, and then she went back to her room to sleep. i watched 'below' a little later, and was impressed. it didn't bring much new - but it was well-written. watch for the review of both movies at critiq - speaking of which, that's the new movie-review site i've begun. i'm looking for reviewers. if anyone's interested, email me or sign the book.immersing myself in code lately, and enjoying it. tonight is anna's twentyfirst birthday gathering at palmer, in portland. so i'm going to get out of this room for the first time in a long time. ah well. two days isn't ... long. but it feels that way.
last night with rachel was ... so much fun. she came over, we walked downtown, and then came back to make spaghetti in the kitchen. we even had garlic bread, and .. 'salad' .. it was a full meal. i hadn't eaten that well in quite some time. it was even semi-nice - the rain and the wind had abated enough for the sun, and it was pleasant. today's another matter - it's ash-gray and overcast. i have the flavour of cranberry juice in my mouth, and an odd craving for a bagel.
a strange melancholy sets in, with the relapse of some unhealthy habits in the period of the past few days. dispatch plays right now, the end of 'hey.. hey' - and now 'the general' - my eyes aren't closing, and yes, i'm babbling. evading the main issue, beating 'round the bush.
a strange distance between this end of the hall and the other. dreams last night, about the dorm being on fire, and i wasn't able to make it out the window, but someone was shouting my name up at the window, like they wanted to be let in - sounded like anthony. or mark. and i was telling them the place was on fire, and their face turned ugly and they told me i was stupid, of course it wasn't, stop being so dramatic - and i tried to pull my head back inside the window, but it had turned into a guillotine. the blade flashed down - i woke up.
strangely complacent today, too, with the dim lighting arrangement i have in here, and the oddity of pacing. i don't remember what day it is anymore. they all bleed together. i space out the nights with movies and the days with computer time. i should just be surgically attached to this fucking thing. where's my good luck? i'd like to think that i'm not a neurotic asshole who sits in this room and festers with insecurity. but i think that's the damn truth. what happens is that i let myself become what other people tell me i am.
and i'm not so sure that's so healthy -
i feel blinded. stupid weather. it's going to rain for another week. thunderstorms next tuesday-through-wednesday. that would be nice. i'd like to get out of this listless-restless cycle. a job would help, if i had any motivation to do anything.
sleep might help, but i don't want to waste time. not that i'm doing anything worthwhile with it now .. and i'm relapsing ..
not that many care.