roughly meaningless.
��������� �����more violent piano music, a sort of follow-up to the same angry emotions of last night. i don't think i want to cloak them in metaphor or random poetry tonight, i think it's just needing to be raw -there are draining days and there are draining nights. i'm sick of not being able to be self-sufficient. of not being able to pay the school enough to get on, to have gas in my car and to have FOOD to eat. of not having enough to go to borders and sit in the books like i like to do, or to go out to the movies with friends. i'm going slightly stircrazy. the show opens this friday. my world currently revolves around the show simply because it's the only thing providing structure.
i'm annoyed with my own naivete, tonight, with all this self-directed anger & hatred spilling out. over and over like i can't feel that i need to feel - it's a garbled mess of paint and confusion. i want to go somewhere, recharge. reading some of tara's older journal entries tonight. reading about how her friends all suddenly had this rash of serious problems way back when - but it only seemed to strengthen their bonds, to pull them tighter together.
i want something like that. i don't know what it IS about this fucking place. i don't know what it is about the people i know, or the way that we all interact, always questioning, confused and misleading, backstabbing and scissoring through a mass regret - or something. i'm at a massive loss for words because i'm incredibly, incredibly jealous. i feel terrible on the inside tonight like i never have before, and i'm not sure why. remembering horrible things that happened last spring, and remembering -
i have been falling in love with occupied girls. that is to say, girls who have significant others. there's a girl who i work with who has a boyfriend who called me today to ask me to take one of her shifts. she has the most incredible voice over the phone - i don't know why.
(timbuktu is in mali. who knew?)
meanwhile right now i'm getting dating "advice" from a man i don't even know online in a trivia chatroom. he's telling me a story about a man named carlos who was unfortunately ugly. i'm impatient, and i'm staring at the foggy mid-twilight, it's waxing on 4am right now and i'm not sleeping. surprise.
these entries always stretch on for too long, and even when i'm done with one, they never seem to be truthful. the carlos story is wrapping up. something about how he is still a cool dancer and an honest guy. a great personality. the moral. beauty is only skin deep. "all of these attributes came out and carlos ended up with the hottest girl of all of us" and the end. or something. i feel woozy. drunk on the morality.
"so just be yourself, let whatever your talents are show and take a deep breath and like a Nike ad... Just Do It" - his final words. i hesitate in the awkward silence that follows and eke out a "thanks" or something. choke down the bile of that saccharine statement (as true/false as it might be)
OH GOD ENOUGH. i can't take listening to myself anymore right now. music on, curl into bed, and ... zz.