something i'm sure is close to the inversion of gravity;
��������� �����sometimes i wonder if we're all really horribly unhappy and just don't know where to go, so we continue suffering in it.today was a waste. a shitsome, gray, wasteful nothing of a day. up at 3pm, showered at 4, awake until ... i don't know. i have that interview with brookstone in the morning. 9:45. which is depressing, but if i'm up early maybe it'll help me get motivated. that'd be nice. motivation. talked to peter and kaylen online today. trying to figure out if i'll be graduating on schedule. thinking about the End Result of things.
it's a sunday. listening to gary jules and switchfoot. playing with learning chords on the guitar. wrote some, this morning-afternoon. a short - film script thing. i don't know. stupid. needing to write more lately. needing encouragement. silently sitting in kristin's room while her and asa and jason moved it around due to ashley's leaving.
'what's wrong? why so gloomy?'
i didn't really answer. i just wanted to be there in company. to not be expected, i guess. i didn't want anyone to ask me anything. one of those Invisible wishing days. just to sit and observe but not worry about being observed back. and at the same time wishing someone would care. jason spent a lot of the time singing. which he claims he does as a "comfort" thing. which i'm believing less and less. and i'm sorry but i think it should be something that can be controlled. and used when it's the proper time. not just randomly in public. because it is a spectacle. it's loud. and it can be irritating. and there's nothing that can happen until it stops. especially not conversation. and i despise being patronised. kristin IMed me tonight - 'are you ok?' after i'd mostly just been sitting around. in her room for awhile, watching 'the real world' first episode again for the millionth time. she had just curled on the bed looking rather .. content, or something. and i said 'that's a hard question to answer.' we sort of trailed off there.
the thing about all of this situation is that i wonder. would we all really be friends with one another if we weren't in this environment? this question's been posed a lot. i keep thinking about flying off to the Continent with peter and kaylen. beginning some new artist movement, some sort of bohemian bombsquad group. good idea/bad idea, i don't know. i need to make my own choices and be decisive. take some risks. i'm finding myself needing some sort of independence. kristin's - no, i know it's not whatever the gossip is - focused on mark. noticably. and that's fine and dandy. kristin's the kind of person who just kind of likes her room to be the convening point, anyway. people go to her, not them to others. i'm the opposite - simply because people don't come here. they never have. they didn't come to 423. maybe i just put out a bad vibe or whatever. i'm not one that people gravitate to. and that's fine.
i remember how much i used to hate it when anthony would knock on the door and then come in and ask how i was so perfunctorily last semester - and then eventually just ask where jason was, or say he had to pick up some stuff. or something. things like that. i guess i can't say i'm scot-free of any of that, though i've tried when i felt it was appropriate? i'm not looking at myself right now, i do enough of that anyway.
angrily watching clouds build up and pass by today. sitting here at this computer far too much. i like talking to asa. about medieval humanism, about greek myth, music theory. intellectual conversation - it makes me extremely happy to debate anything, as long as the other person is as passionate about it as i am, but remain logical and level-headed without getting personal. learning guitar last night in asa/jason's room, sort of. listening to asa play and learning what an Asus4 chord was on the piano. and how chords even originated. how a piano would never fully be "tuned". soaking in the musical thought.
and then jason, from the bed, gasping - "oh asa. i miss singing, so much .. you know, we should just jam in here sometime ... you could play the guitar and i could sing, or we could harmonize."
awkwardly standing. unsure of what to say but knowing that i felt a lot of irritation at the moment. felt like saying, acerbically, 'wait, you miss singing? that's funny, you do it all the fucking time!' and i know he'd have taken offense, and then scoffed at me ... and i would've made the atmosphere awful, so i swallowed the raw emotion. reminded ironically of when he asked me if i was mad at him and then i said no, and he said, "you know you can tell me anytime you are, right?" and i said something. i don't remember what. the lights were dim and i felt like it was my cue to be leaving. that i'd taken up enough time as it was. so eventually, after that, i just ... went. tomorrow i might just go to corthell and fuck around with a piano. a big one. 88keys and a black finish.
tomorrow's supposed to be nice. rehearsal in the evening. needing to write. needing ... some sort of inspiration. i know i'm needy. don't i get to be? of course i do. it's sad that most of the encouragement i get comes from online conversations, for a million or some odd reasons that i'm not going into. sad that it's a tricky world to be living in most of the time. a "safer" world. but a "not-quite-real" world. which is unfortunate.
"like you're ever honest." on the way through the parking lot of hannaford.
"i am honest!"
"bullshit, you say whatever you know will hurt the other person. you're not honest." jason said. it's pouring rain. we were arguing about whether or not he was as white as the near-albino cashier who'd rung us out. Neil C. on his nametag.
all i have to go on is what i think i am. not what others think of me. all i have to go on is what i think i am