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/ november is a month of ghosts

a grey knive lurking on the corner of the bathroom counter, incongruously balanced on the edge - just about to fall - the light of day leaked into the room like dish detergent being squeezed gently out of a bottle, and over in the corner, rats rustled in a paper bag. he walked into the room to the sound of the ceiling fan slowly misunderstood. his left sneaker squeaked slightly. paper in his pocket crumpled up and a blue crayon behind one ear. a muddy cigarette in one hand and no lighter. his eyes are silently stained-glass windows inside a church with no congregation, waiting for the hollow bellpulls - the doorbell of the Almighty. he takes out a sharpie and marks an x on the wall. moments later a fly buzzes fatly in and lands on the ��������������������������������������������spot, preening and humming to itself. below, at the baseboard, an ant trundles in. he looks at the mirror. he looks away. outside, a bird hits the window, and all things still, in hushed������������������������������������������mourning. an ignorant cricket looses a selfish mating call and
2003-06-14, 2:32 a.m.

dreidel that always lands on 'nun'

��������� �����i have a bizarre need to be intellectual in some way tonight. to have a deep conversation about some primary tenet of philosophy, some random historical fact, or something that correlates directly to modern circumstances. i'd like to sit and listen to a lecture on charles berkeley's theory of materialism (or is it immaterialism, i forget) and just soak it all in. i keep getting the urge to write, to be some heroic type of Writer sitting in the daytime through the nighttime typing like mad, scenes unravelling and thoughts pouring out - analogies and metaphors galore. ugh.

i just have this bizarre need. to be academic. it might be stemming from going to see 'heroine's journey' at the st. lawrence tonight. a dance show with some mythological references - the story of cupid & psyche, as well as persephone's myth. all very commonplace, sure. maybe i'll re-read ovid's metamorphoses tonight, or something. it was put on by 'two lights' theatre ensemble - my boss at the box office, emmannuelle, is the president. she also runs this holistic acting school called 'energizing the actor' that i'd love to take ... if i only had the money. ah well.

and so i'm back to the weird hours - it's nearly 3am and i'm plagued with odd thoughts and irritations. ashley went home today, to bangor, for the rest of the summer - i didn't know she was going. and whereas i didn't really talk to her much or know her too well ... well, i was getting to. i'll miss her. the End of Summer seems so damn far away tonight.

spent most of the day with jason today. finally got a george foreman grill, and so, for dinner, there was steak. dear god. it was the best thing i think i've ever eaten, despite the fact that my little throat condition decided to fuck me over. some of it had to come up. it's like ... involuntarily bulimia or something. [annoyed.] plus i'm not too sure how to ... go about telling someone that i'm irritated with them, lately. and so it only contributes to irritation and stress factors. and now that this is so vague, everyone's going to wonder who i'm talking about. sorry. but i'm going to have to figure out how to do it on my own.

been trying to decide why it is that i have such an obsession with movies. i think it's something to do with getting so into the world that i lose reality - for a minute, anyway. this is also why i dislike comedies as opposed to dramas. but i've grown very attached to quite a few comedies, and this makes me rather happy - especially to broaden my horizons with movies that aren't Good in the traditional sense, but are just .. more fun to watch. things with explosions, etc. god knows.

lots of questions in my head, still, going unanswered. feeling rather like i'm trying to penetrate to the core of a nautilus shell, breaking through all the walls of each room, but for some reason it never ends. a little disjointed. thoughts of the future. a fairly .. productive friday the thirteenth. a pregnant black cat crossed my path and i said 'macbeth' in a theatre by accident. ariel francoeur is ... hot. there's no other word for it.

cranberry flavour in my mouth. i've watched some more movies. if i ever have patience enough i might review them. five fucking stars to 'the believer' which was .. amazing. 'the dangerous lives of altar boys' gets three and half, simply because the end was horrendous, but the climax was intense enough to make jason nearly pass out. :D

what if rain was so acidic you couldn't go out in it. like 'threadfall' in those pern novels. what if all the clouds suddenly segregated into six billion pieces and everyone in the world suddenly was subjected to chinese water torture? i keep thinking of things like this. and dreaming of blood. and people i know giving me directions to this place i'm trying to get to that doesn't exist. when does 'gerry' come out on dvd? i'm going to buy it. please let it be soon.

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�SEH