clearing my throat
��������� �����a long, exhausting day yesterday, with hidden revelations and expectations gone wrong that made me wish i'd checked a horoscope or believed a fortune cookie, or something, before-hand, so i knew it was coming. but that's just the control freak in me.i can say, however, that i answered my own question in the middle of a heated fight between jason and i. talking to matt, talking to kaylen - figuring it out. a nice little two-option multiple choice SAT of life for me. a) people don't care. b) people do care, i'm just too paranoid and attention-starved to notice. and voila, the answer turns out to be b. so i circled it deeply with a pen and grit my teeth and growled as loud as i could. now the window's open and the test scores are back in with a diploma of "you've passed, congratulations, you're a moron." yeah, so i know the answer. the feeling still lingers, but now i know what to do to turn it around.
it's one of those days of inaction that hopefully will turn into a day of action. it's the laziness, the indolence, that keeps us going insane, i think - if i had a job, which i tried to get unsuccessfully yesterday, due to the advent of social paranoias - i would be more okay. focus is important, in life, and when you don't have any, it's hard to get motivation or anything else, either.
i just got off the phone with dave goodwin, from the regal movie theatre job i'm hoping to get. i asked him where he was in the whole application process, and he told me, in somewhat annoyed-sounding terms, that his focus was currently on the impending inspection from the vice president. so he hasn't had a lot of time for applications. and 'what with the rain, and getting the movies,' he hasn't had time. and he was brusque, and kind of shove-off, which is fine, i guess, and i told him i understood, and he .. pretty much hung up on me. which rattles me, because i hate feeling like the inferiour, submissive type. it bothers me very intensely, and the only thing that happens is that rage spikes out like a solar flare. a rumbling, bubbling anger. but at least i took the time to call. after tomorrow, the guy would be gone, and so he could get back into the process. i'm sure.
so that leaves me saying to myself that i should just ... go get another job. tomorrow i'll go to the mall. go to best buy, or something. i should've done this weeks ago. the thing is, i have so much stress on my shoulders. financial - i owe in the neighbourhood of $400 by june 20th, for my final housing payment. that's - two weeks. the summer is going very rapidly. we're already into june. it's been one month next week. i can't make $400 in two weeks. i don't know how i can. i have $70 left in the bank, and i owe my parents $366 for the first payment. i don't know why i thought i could do this.
the other day, someone called up at my window. 'matt!' they called. 'matt!' i didn't respond. '...he's not moving. is that him, i think it is -' and 'matt!' and i just sat there. finally, i turned - 'do you need to be let in?' i asked.
'oh, no. sorry, i thought you were my son, matt.' the guy said. and i shrugged and nodded. i heard him - '...he looks like him...' as they got let in. later, i saw them leaving. it was matt curtis' parents, a guy i sort of know, who graduated from the theatre department a year or so ago. friends with mark and rachel and matt.
a long talk with kaylen, too, last night, and then a walk with jason around the dark-infested campus. it's been windy the past few days, too. the window's open. i watch the trucks go by, the landscaping and groundskeeping trucks, that i wish i was a part of, making money in the sun, in the weather, in the outdoors. i could do it, too. or try. i don't really give myself a lot of chances.
someday soon i'm going to just go Somewhere. fort williams. two lights. acadia nat'l park. take the day and go. drive up the coast. this weekend, maybe, if i think i can, i'll make it home.
cross your fingers.