in short, i'm irritated and misanthropic. so if you don't think that's what you want to hear now, don't read this.
��������� �����a stirring of perplexed anger. if the rain and the gloom directly correlates to depression, then i imagine seattle must be hell on earth.conflicted today about what to do. tomorrow i need to call the movie place again. make sure i maybe have a job. snicker. snort. yesterday i had a slight mental breakdown, pursuant to the previous entry. you see, a lot of shit went down that i don't care enough about right now to chronicle. it had to do with jason's control issues, mostly. and my issues of over-analysis, and constant inferiority complex. infuriatiority-complex. but there was this sweet, sweet high point of frisbee in the setting clouds, next to woodward dorm, with mark and kristin and anthony. just .. back and forth. frisbee. being active, being ...
yeah. later on, we went out to margarita's with rachel and amy and sandi, which i still have mixed feelings about. i'm never sure if it's my fault for opening my mouth. someone told me once "if you feel stupid, then you probably should not have had your mouth open. learn to keep quiet." Quiet, Less Vocal. this reminds me of last year when i was doing the Nate thing - "i need to be less vocal" - and erin would tell me no, no i didn't, and i would yes, yes i do.
i'm in a funk this morning. bed before 1, again, and up before 6. this is my cycle lately - healthier than before, honestly, but .. eh. i wish it would either rain or get sunny. now. full of sick indifference. dan told me yesterday that i like to be sad. and then something about we are all made up of one another. that analysis without emotion is 'blissful'. i told him, if i remember right, to get down off of his himalaya.
just now i stood in the shower, scalding water, watching my skin turn blotchy red - some sort of detached fascination with the dull pain beneath my skin. random, unexplainable masochisms. coursing down over my head and down around me. i gasped, at one point, and it flooded into my mouth. oh ophelia in male form. pounded the wall. pressed my hand to the ceiling, watched the print fade away. wondered shortly thereafter if my reactions, and actions were all just melodramatic for the sake of --
i talked to kristin for a long time yesterday. when i had my breakdown. i said 'i've never really had friends that don't judge me,' and i don't care how true it is - it felt true.
and she said 'that's the saddest thing i've ever heard.' i don't know if it's true. it felt like it, at that moment, and i felt so grounded, after it - i'm very mixed-up today. and i feel like i really don't have anywhere that i can turn, or want to turn. something like walls coming in on me, and the ceiling too. finances, sleep, friends, the show. i can't wait for rehearsals. i think it'll be this great stabilizer in my life. next weekend, home. for awhile. and i'll have a job to speak of. by then.
and aimee mann takes the place of john mayer on my playlist. note how i only enter in here when i've had a bad day, or depressed, or something? and i feel like i've used up all my Friend Time way back when. or that i really only have one or two people to go to talk, or to know care, that are accessible. and i HATE monopolizing. they have lives. they do not exist solely to console. so sometimes you suck it up and deal.
'you have no idea how insensitive you're being right now - i was never like this when you were having your issue with mark.'
'oh, come on, you're half-gay and you know it.'
'oh, that's straight.'
'i think your loyalty should lie with me.'
the moment you try, well, kiss it goodbye - but i get lost in space that goes on forever, and you make all the rest just an afterthought - and i believe it's you who could make it better, though it's not.. thanks, aimee mann.
gray. pulpy. twisted and angry, of the masklike face and the searing stare. don't come near me, because i know you don't want to anyway sort of look. i HATE being the third - even the fifth - wheel. and this happens too much, i think. i feel as though i'm tagging along. just there. a hesitation - do you want to come? i'm paranoid. as bad as jason.
and i don't give a shit who reads this. kudos to you, anthony, for locking your journal. do what you need to do. good, jason, for beginning a paper journal. good. everyone, good, good, good. just go. good. and be good. because good is good. and you are all good. i hope all of this isn't hard to read.
oh, here. let me sum it up for you, no metaphor, no vagueness.
a) i'm either paranoid or i'm out of place a lot more than i'd like.
b) i'm angry because i feel alone, that people have too many of their own issues to care what mine are. which is fine. i don't want to be selfish. i don't want to command your time. but chances are, if i say "i'm fine" and it really doesn't look like it, don't believe me. or at least try. or something.
c) i don't know what to expect anymore from a lot of people. and it's great that i'm still the 'backup,' the 'default' for when everything else is bad, but gimme a break. what kind of a person do you all consider me to be? fucking sign the stupid guestbook or email me, or whatever. i'm tired of these pussyfootings. give it to me straight. unless this honesty scares you. in which case i'm sure everything will remain empty. because you all have such busy lives and there's no time for that.
that said. i'm going to watch a movie. and try to shake off some of this anger. i'm just glad i'm not angry enough to blatantly name names in here. because god knows what that would do. not that it helps, because everyone will just assume it's not referring to them. so assume otherwise.
[shrug.] that's enough for now. i'm done.