Jason�
��������� �����the wonder of jason.you see, ladies and gents, there really is just no one like jason. who else is there to accompany you at 3am or 11pm, just to walk down to the 7-11 in his plaid pajama pants and sandals? hm? i ask you, who else is there to provide the sweetly melodic harmonies of ms. aguilera, world-renowned singer and performer, at whatever time of day you so choose? who will serenade you with the broadway hit of your choosing?
jason, that's who. mr. jason cook, who, despite his insecurities and oftentimes tactless delivery, is the best friend anyone could ever want. he's always there when you need a helping hand. yes, jason. if there were one person that i could clone and market as the beneficial toy to toddlers in this desperate and frightened age, it would be jason. what little child wouldn't thrill to the joy of opening a present on christmas morn, seeing that tuft of strawberry blond hair poking out of the wrapping, exultantly shrieking as the dulcet tones of 'beautiful' or 'dirrty' warble out of the box? the hugs, the laughter. the perfect tagline for the Jason� doll - which would, by the way, be plushy and squeezy - would be:
"Don't you deserve a Jason�?"
that's right. i ask you, ladies and gents, is there anything more special to wake up to than his darling, smiling face, holding aloft a small orange can of Wise� Nacho Cheese dip and a half-eaten bag of Santitas� Nachos? that adorable Leave It to Beaver�-esque face, lower lip pooched out just enough to say "I did it! Oopsie!" you just can't help but laugh. indeed, there should be a sitcom. we'll call it "Jason�" - or perhaps "Jason's� Playtime" for the little tykes. can you see it? i can. bright-eyed and bushy-tailed and ready to sing the morning sunshine in!
oh, jason. the world would be a much more desolate place without you in it. just think. roommates would be lost, sitting in the dark on move-in day, staring around at the junk as it piles up, sighing into their hands - "wow, man, i really wish jason were here to help me whip this room into shape!" and voila! like a good fairy godfather, jason would appear magically and transform the dull living space into something trendy! themed! beautiful. and above your bed, a framed 27x40" picture of him! autographed! what more could you ask for? college kids 'round the world will be clamouring at his doorstep. they'll have to make him a fixture on that popular remodelling show Trading Spaces�. there just will not be any help for it.
honestly, i could even see the president of the united states making him an honorary recipient of federal funds, just because he is who he is. heck, why don't we kick July out of the calendar and rename it Jason? every day is Jason� Day! little toys at McDonalds' for him and his Gang, but every little kids eye will light up when they pull a Jason� out of the Happy Meal� box! (also available: Asa�, Casey�, John�, Rachel�, Kristin�, Mark�, Anthony�, Ashley�, Chris�, Erin�, Nate�, Amy�, and Jill�) it will be a revolution in commerce and marketing!
it is truly unfair of us, and USM, to continue hiding this precious secret, to continue keeping him under wraps - we must let the world know! let him free, show everyone the glory that is...
Jason!
(coming Jason 2003 to a theater near you)