a horse, champing at the bit
��������� �����jeez, another entry. quite possibly just because i really enjoy looking at the words on the new layout. yes, i am that vain. although it's morning, so it's not technically a new day besides the fact that "day" to me refers to the period of sunlight.anyhow. so, thanks to asa and his car ride last night, a new musical obsession. dispatch. not to mention this fantastic remix of a dave matthews band song from the matrix. when the world ends.
philosophical. introspective this morning. notice how most of my incomplete sentences simply omit the word "i'm"? weird. anyhow.
here are my thoughts. lately, i've been doing the AA thing and taking it one day at a time. "good idea," jason said over IM. "no," i said. "it's not, really ... it's just the only thing i can do." we discussed it at length. when i say discussed i mean that i talked and he listened. for ... a while. then i stared at the wall for awhile - i forget what time it was that i went to sleep. i think i crawled literally into bed at some point. feeling rejected and crumpled-up-paper-ball inside. the Tall One. the Gawky one. relentless! dispatch, hey .. hey.
well i'm moving kinda slow, down that same old path, wasting time inside this hourglass ... say what you want, say what you mean, question yourself - are you really what you seem? say who you are, say what you mean, question yourself - are you really what you dream?
there's a certain spiritual relapse. have you ever felt it, when you just feel so low that you feel ugly? "my hands were made for digging in mud and catching footballs," he said last night as we compared hand-sizes in the back of asa's car, stopped at a gas-station. jason, mark, anthony and kristin all have the same hand size. cut from the same mold. asa and i have the same hand-size. prompted by kristin. random touch, fingers splayed to fingers -
hey, hey - i don't really want to fall back, because you don't seem like you care, and if i would fall back, you don't seem like you would care, and if i would fall back, you don't seem like you care
and so, for whatever reason, i woke up, bathed and blinking in the whitest light i've ever seen. the sun was pouring into my window like lemonade through the spout of a pitcher. mm. lemonade. mountain dew won't cut it today. milk won't either. water's obligatory.
today, summer tastes like an old popsicle, and half-way down the street i imagine old men are wandering, and little girls are leading them by the hands.
long while since i've got myself across, but maybe there's a reason for that ... hey, hey ..