the only thing this night is missing is the mournful sound of a train-whistle
��������� �����gibbous moon, on the wane. slowly becoming anorexic. to the mellow sounds of dispatch, the general -take a shower and shine your shoes, you got no time to lose, you are young and you must be living
an odd queasy feeling in my stomach, tonight, too. sick of these incomplete sentences meaning something more than they always do. i'd like to get on a more regular sleep-cycle. the first day of summer, to me, today. a breezy, warm feeling. ice cream with kristin and asa, then the matrix with the same, mark, jason and anthony. sitting in the backseat between kristin and mark, the tall one - head brushing the ceiling. gawky and loud-mouthed. the First One to Die in a Horror Movie type thing.
go now, you are forgiven - go now, you are forgiven
felt strangely out of place. something about being in that group that makes me feel like i have to either be ultra-cynical or as funny as possible. it's enervating. when i'm not, i feel the old melancholy again - leeching it like a septic tank into green grass. every time i say something, i feel as though i'm being silently judged - especially by mark. it's paranoia, i know it. and yes, i am being very honest about it. to myself, to whoever reads this, but not to him. can that be called honesty? lying by omission? not that it matters.
i had the same problem with nate, you may remember. what was it that ended that horrible feeling? i think it was that time at the bus station in june. the affirmation of one another's existence. physically. then we drifted. grew apart. stayed friends, but drifted. the theatre department is like that, a barrier around all of us, a corral, even. we can roam around the paddock, but we always run into the same colt or the same filly more than once. and there's bound to be friction. it's what you do with that time. the civility, the abandon, the honesty.
it'll happen the same this time around, but the tear will be more dramatic, i think. noticeable. it's happened already. just a marked difference in opinion. in a year, when i'm attached to someone else (hopefully of the female variety) i will be linking back the entry on the night we went to see Gerry (the movie) together. a decided rift.
tired, right now. dispatch, the mellow sound of the moon rising. slackening in the face muscles - not even a smile, really. contentment, but neutrality.
ready for something new. now, just waiting for it.