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a grey knive lurking on the corner of the bathroom counter, incongruously balanced on the edge - just about to fall - the light of day leaked into the room like dish detergent being squeezed gently out of a bottle, and over in the corner, rats rustled in a paper bag. he walked into the room to the sound of the ceiling fan slowly misunderstood. his left sneaker squeaked slightly. paper in his pocket crumpled up and a blue crayon behind one ear. a muddy cigarette in one hand and no lighter. his eyes are silently stained-glass windows inside a church with no congregation, waiting for the hollow bellpulls - the doorbell of the Almighty. he takes out a sharpie and marks an x on the wall. moments later a fly buzzes fatly in and lands on the ��������������������������������������������spot, preening and humming to itself. below, at the baseboard, an ant trundles in. he looks at the mirror. he looks away. outside, a bird hits the window, and all things still, in hushed������������������������������������������mourning. an ignorant cricket looses a selfish mating call and

2003-05-07, 12:14 a.m.

soleil decouverte a mes mains

��������� �����aphex twin's album "drukQs" tonight, all variations of electronica on erik satie's piano themes ... this one, plenty harmonium, a pressure-heavy song that mimicks the outside. fog-city tonight. thick, unconscionable fog that suffocates and writhes.

indecision and half-metered out thoughts, set to a thought pattern and played like a glockenspiel. tinny, innocent-seeming notes that are savage and malicious when the notes hang long enough in the air. thoughts are innocent enough on the surface, and vicious below. "you should date a girl" i got tonight. and "why don't you date, i'm sure there are girls who want to get into your pants" and then i contrast it with the TV thought of "relationship more than sex, = better than superficiality, but where (is the solace in this equation?)"

"maybe you need to date out of the theater department." maybe, seeing as it tends to be very inbred that way anyway .. my. i'm judicial tonight. lay down the gavel, judge hypocrite! the wild party, how did we come to this.

[maybe i've been living in a daydream, maybe i've been talking in my sleep, if i've been awake, pardon my mistake, but time is running low, and talk is growing cheap - we play our games, we place our bets, no witness - no weakness, and no regrets]

which is what i wish.

[filling up with frenzy, killing with a kiss, how did we all come to this?]

so quiet here. fan. jason's back, books pile up. laundry tonight! it is done! well. will be done. i am dictating. my lips follow the words i am typing and go "blip" when i backspace. i wish i could speak hungarian. and dutch. click tongue click throat.

i'll strive for now. fog. through wind &rain. kenna, war in me. [fever's taking over, the status of my fear sours, i'm waging a war, a war in me - a war for me, is blaring, i still believe]

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�SEH