sunlight in through the window with a radiator's hiss
��������� �����a new interest in kenna. [there's a better way to row, a better way to go, a better way to feel, can you feel me?]dance usm opened last night. i became the stage manager of the student-produced macbeth last night. rehearsal with corey & mark last night.
this morning i woke up late for work and ambled there slowly. dan said. "don't become a lady-in-waiting to a leather jacket" - [red man's got you crazy sad (sad) life is not a daisy (sad) come on in and save me, come on - i don't mean to bring you down]
rachel said the other day, "i wish i had a boyfriend." just randomly. i think. at the crack shack, while i was indulging in ice-cream and she sat there, hair up, glitter still on her skin from the dance show's final dress rehearsal. a plastic box of all her makeup sat nearby, complacently. i don't remember how i replied.
watched the end of "pleasantville" last night. then "the house of yes" starring parker posey. i have yet to see her make a bad film. i want to have the patience to open up a review site for films/movies. pleasantville was an amazing concept - near to genius, i'd say, but holy shit the ending was the worst thing i have ever seen in a movie, ever. not even the climax-to-denouement - the last .. thirty seconds. literally. it made no sense.
the ten minute play festival is coming up quite quickly. it occurs to me how active i've been in SPA this year, and am glad for that. the next big project, obviously, is stage managing mcB. mike (the director) apparently - when i told him i was interested in the position - went to other students & professors to ask them if they thought i'd be qualified to do this job. very professional of him - and apparently the only things they said to demur were that "he's frequently tired, i guess he has trouble sleeping sometimes" - "he can be a little negative" - but from professors and peers alike, apparently the support was quite large.
which is a glowing feeling. like dogwood trees blooming. and terribly sorry if this entry is dull & prosaic - at the time it seemed like a good idea. for now life is proceeding at a regulated pace. the schedule keeps me in track, going toward some undefined goal. rehearsals, final shows, finals, and then ... summer. that great big expanse of blue sky&ocean and freedom. at the same time that horrible feeling like bungee jumping. plummeting out of the plane and falling free with so much wind past your ears that you go deaf for a moment, and then snap up - terror, then relief. or perhaps just settling. people will be around this summer. can i shake obsessions and this inferiority complex that tags onto me like a rabid dog?
i look around the room. my gaze falls on the roughly rendered sketch of mark & anna, her asleep in his arms. the familiar, amniotic embrace. has it become a symbol for me? some rough pen - my own hand, the cozy confines of her room, the dilapidated chair, the lamplight spilling like dish detergent - coloured yellow-orange-umber, and creating skewed shadows... if i had that -
"it's not as sincere as when you talk about ... you know ... the touch, fireworks"
linger. pause for doubt. sad. then shaken like a wet dog. half-smile. full smile. open the curtains, fling wide the window, let the glaring white take everything else over. submerge.