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/ november is a month of ghosts

a grey knive lurking on the corner of the bathroom counter, incongruously balanced on the edge - just about to fall - the light of day leaked into the room like dish detergent being squeezed gently out of a bottle, and over in the corner, rats rustled in a paper bag. he walked into the room to the sound of the ceiling fan slowly misunderstood. his left sneaker squeaked slightly. paper in his pocket crumpled up and a blue crayon behind one ear. a muddy cigarette in one hand and no lighter. his eyes are silently stained-glass windows inside a church with no congregation, waiting for the hollow bellpulls - the doorbell of the Almighty. he takes out a sharpie and marks an x on the wall. moments later a fly buzzes fatly in and lands on the ��������������������������������������������spot, preening and humming to itself. below, at the baseboard, an ant trundles in. he looks at the mirror. he looks away. outside, a bird hits the window, and all things still, in hushed������������������������������������������mourning. an ignorant cricket looses a selfish mating call and

2003-04-14, 4:08 a.m.

the sun is not a horse you can ride

��������� �����this is where i exist.

sad, isn't it, to be composed of words and pixels, databytes on a screen, shuffling back and forth in front of your eyes.

the screen is dilating my pupils. the light outside is dim, the temperature at freezing, but god willing, it's not snowing. every dream composed of death and grotesquerie, waking up clutching the pillow with a certainty that when my next heartbeat passed - i'd have died.

natureless and blighted. i apologized to matt cary and i think we're back on terms now, but it's always that rough-shod place where you don't really know when to start the conversation ... offended someone, some many, at the recital which i didn't stay at yesterday although i'm sure everyone did fabulously.

this is where i exist.

je cherches pour un vie nouveau - j'espere il est simple a chercher. j'ai besoin de ...non, il est necessaire que ... [i need a new routine]

there was something horribly final about yesterday.

and the worst thing is, i think it's just beginning.

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�SEH