i am productive & settled.
��������� �����an emotional day.a good night.
it snowed, was bitterly cold, and i had to park in lower freshman lot. at one point i stared at the brisk, clean stars of standish, maine. york county. if i had driven any further, the car would have ran out of gas somewhere on route 25, lined with the sentinels of branchless trees. the car would have simply shuddered down - lights out, smoke ceasing to pipe from the tail ... red lights and cold air sliding inside.
wishing for a striped windsor tie. and a blazer. and oxfords. and pants that swish when you walk. dockers. a clean, swept-back hairstyle. a college quadrangle to walk quickly through, arms stuffed with books on physics and quantum mechanics. a coffeeshop later on. fall leaves. concrete.
no more urban decay & terror-stricken news from baghdad and how we "may have underestimated" the iraqi defence, as if this whole War was a World Cup game that we've been playing badly -
i would like very badly nowadays to be sitting down under a spring-draped tree and to be completely aware of everything and completely ignorant of myself.
earlier today i drew a picture of a man in a trenchcoat and called it "the stonecutter" - then i tore it up. i think about travelling. to some distant place with some distant girl. bright eyes - i want a lover i don't have to love - placing bowls of raspberries on tabletops.
i draw the curtain, glance at the clock, and murmur about sleep.
eventually, i will.
eventually.