a bit calmer -
ye gods. you can read the last entry if you want to. it's full of uncompromising drivel & annoyance.tonight reminds me of a low train whistle and rattling boxcars. drifting piano music right now. radiohead covers by christopher o'riley, and the dim light from the outdoors leaking in through the blinds. a terrible & perilous desire, suddenly, but a good sort of feeling, like lemonade or icecream. something as white-orange-yellow swirl as that, candy-coloured and smiles. carnival nights and crazy wild hooting laughter.
must be the early morning heartburn kicking in. divisive emotions & a murmuring heart. a terrible and draining fear of realising i'm horribly unattractive. vanity - a worser sin i've known, i'm sure, but this seems to be my karmic counterpart. insecurity & vanity. i need to cultivate some vices. and a bottle of tums, that'd be good right around now. and to pick up the guitar or the piano seriously. i need a second artistic outlet other than theatre. art or music. something. something active, too, maybe. to round it all out.
wishing i could enter in here with (truthful and flagrant "i love my friends" entries) and finding that i can't allow myself to. i do love my friends. but i find myself troubled. never swept along with them in riotous bursts of laughter like tara & jason do. wishing i did have that - perhaps in girlfriend form, and that's why this percolating, confusing loneliness.
something. i seek tums now. and a good book.