mindless ranting about stagnation
i'm not even depressed. this fucking rain. i'm so sick of it. lots of christian rock on my playlist lately. from skillet, to sixpence none the richer, to plumb, to steve. i can't decide why. then it fluxes between the mothman prophecies, disc 2, tomandandy to the matrix:reloaded soundtrack. which i really like. i spent most of the early hours of the day watching the original matrix with the audio commentary of don davis, the composer. quite a man.i crawled into bed this morning at 7am, and woke up tonight at around 7pm. and i don't care. i didn't miss much, apparently, after two visits to jason&asa's - they both were playing videogames both times. i had a feeling kristin was doing something, and so ... no-one was online, really. talked to anthony for a bit. sat here. sat online. like a stupid sad fuck. pardon this entry's lacing of profanity. i feel indolent, stupid, and fat. not fat as in physically fat. just .. stupid. i have to go get a job today. it's at the grounds department here on campus - it'd be great if i knew where they were located. it'd be great. i think jason's going to apply there too. the guy from the movie cinema never called back, and i .. don't care. if he does call, hurrah. whatever.
why does my life focus around this inanity. i have to get this job, today. i have to go pick up my paycheck that i think i have waiting for me at billing. if i don't have one, well, then i'm going to be proper fucked.
feeling particularly snappish today - tonight? - at mostly everyone. i just want to .. do stuff. i don't want to sit around. you all might be waiting for the sun, and the warmth. i guess that must be it. turtle-like when the rain&cold happen, pull back inside and muddle around in a dither of indolence. indolence, for me, is depression. i swing back and forth in precarious moods, verging on irritated to just plain annoyed. this is how the most part of my day went:
i go over to jason's room. knock on the door. he opens it. the tv has that video-game on it. 'hey,' he says, eyes on the tv.
'hey,' i say.
'what's up?'
'eh, not much. bored.' i end up flopping down on the foam mattress which is still pulled out from when casey spent the night this weekend.
'yeah.'
long, long pause. i watch his little characters on the screen fight blobs.
'ok. well, i'm gonna go.' and i do.
'fine!' he yells, like he usually does, making fun. 'go!' and i do. i close the door and pad back to my own room.
hours pass. again. i get up. knock. 'hey,' i say.
'hey,' he goes. videogames. asa's playing one of his own, on his computer.
this time i end up falling asleep on the foamy.
'you come in here and take a nap,' jason comments as i'm getting up, groggy.
and go back to my own room. and here i've been. sitting here. watching the time slide by. i got up at one point and walked around campus. took a bite out of the clock, about a half-hour. joy.
'you should see someone to get your sleep cycles back in order,' asher commented online today. but why should i bother? why should i bother doing anything if no-one cares to visit, or do anything? i know it's expecting a lot, to be doing anything, with people who don't really have the funds to. or whatever. everything is stultifying. gray, stagnant, algae-green. sickening. and so i'm getting angry.
not that i expect a whole lot to happen - i mean, i did go out with kristin the other day, and that was a lot of fun. the only thing was, i didn't want to end that time because i knew the moment it did, i'd go back to my room and .. sit here. sit. i could start going for a run. i could start doing anything, really. but i'm always on the verge of getting a job, which would fuck my schedule up, so ... why bother? rehearsals, for 'the silver lining' start on thursday.
you have no idea how glad i am for that. somethingtodo. something. anything. why don't i know people who go out and do things on the weekends? like pal around the old port. or just go driving places. why are we so fucking computer-oriented? i know i am, i need to stop. stupid. i hate this stagnation. i hate it.
that's all. i won't be sleeping tonight, because i need to go find out about a job. so. it's 420am. whatever. stupid clock. stupid time. stupid.
radiohead's song 'let down' is appropriate. jonny, a member of the band, describes the song thusly : 'it's like when Andy Warhol said he enjoyed being bored. it's about that feeling that you get when you're in transit but you're not in control of it - you just go past thousands of places and thousands of
people and you're completely removed from it.'