crazy dogs out tonight, baying
quickly, by way of explanation:"I been talking crazy, ain't I?"
"Yeah, Chief" - he rolled over in his bed - "you been talkin' crazy."
"It wasn't what I wanted to say. I can't say it all. It don't make sense."
"I didn't say it didn't make sense, Chief, I just said it was talkin' crazy."
He didn't say anything after that for so long I thought he'd gone to sleep. I wish I'd told him good night. I looked over at him, and he was turned away from me. His arm wasn't under the covers, and I could just make out the aces and eights tattooed there. It's big, I thought, big as my arms used to be when I played football. I wanted to reach over and touch the place where he was tattooed, to see if he was still alive. He's layin' awful quiet, I told myself, I ought to touch him to see if he's still alive...
That's a lie. I know he's still alive. That ain't the reason I want to touch him.
I want to touch him because he's a man.
That's a lie too. There's other men around. I could touch them.
I want to touch him because I'm one of those queers!
But that's a lie too. That's one fear hiding behind another. If I was one of those queers I'd want to do other things with him. I just want to touch him because he's who he is.
- from 'one flew over the cuckoo's nest', by ken kesey.
just .. because it struck me. even though all of that is over now. and by way of summarizing today:
i had an audition, it went very well, i made and ate spaghetti, it was good, i talked with lex who is incomparable, and i tried to watch 'taxi driver' in asa's room but i fell asleep. and so, in order to kick my sleep-cycles back into place, i am going to sleep. after reading a little more.
shades are pulled, it's raining, and i'm playing some slow jazz - miles davis - 'round midnight. because it is. round midnight, that is. slick pavement, small white birds in and out of the shadows, lights flickering in odd reflections skewing - the pavement is like an odd black sea, stretching from green shore to green shore - i imagine whales surfacing out there tonight. their melancholy sounds fill the air with a sort of languid triumph.
oddly enough, this feels like the hiatus after the happy ending of a movie. now i just have to wait for the sequel.
goodnight.