exeunt depressio
i'm free.tonight was an amazing, amazing night. the day passed slowly, with a rainy, gray atmosphere, and a dolorous mood. but then i went to palmer, for anna's twenty-first birthday party.
right off, i knew it'd be an odd night. a weird atmosphere, a kind of unsettled silence. then people began showing up. i ended up in the red-lightbulb lit garage with tara, ariel and gavin, and a joint. i don't think i inhaled properly the first time, but as the night wore on, i had more opportunities. as a result, the chocolate cake they had there was absolutely amazing. and i wasn't sad, and i wasn't depressed. it was simply ... cool. and then, of course (and i don't even know how much of this i should be chronicling, because people seem to be leery about the things i tell people through this medium - ) i ended up in the garage again, with a multitude of ... well. dark. and then, somehow, i ended up making out with josie. tongue, and teeth, and breath, and pulsing. the world seemed to stop right there, and everything revolved - the cameras dropped, the light dimmed, it all ... made sense. soft sounds, gentility, ravenous - then soft, and probing, just .. being. and then, when we disengaged, i had to shout "I AM NOT GAY! I AM STRAIGHT!" it was a milestone. a fucking milestone.
and i shook hands with josie. 'friends,' we said. and she proceeded to weave away with her mason jar of gin&tonic held high. massive attack on the stereo in the living room, 'angel' - love you love you love you love you love you - and kelsey and nate r. dancing separately in the whirling light of the mushroom lamp. people fading in and out of sight - mark left early. rachel, too. jason showed up late, and i ended up taking him home. a good, solid night. i belonged. it was good.
and, then, of course, getting home. still slightly high. i talked to mark, on im - and broke the news, everything, told him everything. mostly. and he knew. said 'it's a bit overbearing at times, but it's not awkward.'
'just don't go making any Shrines to me, ok?' he was unbelievably cool about it. all that paranoia for nothing. even though it's raining outside, and it's early, i feel impeccably good. free. gone from this ridiculous ... obsession. free to be myself now, to explore who i am before i try to be someone else again. to force myself to be myself.
stupid-sounding. but i should be myself more. 'don't be afraid to be yourself,' he said. i felt so bad. but i was also still kinda high, so i was being really honest? or maybe just using it to be honest. i needed to get it out, and it was time. to move the fuck on.
so. a new era of emancipation begins. today i should be going up to a place to audition for some .. play. i don't even know what it is. tara's gonna come pick me up, and we're gonna go. i should go catch some sleep.
oh god. what a good night. the end of something and the beginning of something new. thank you weed. :D
funny, too, because i'd just put together a CD today - going from music i listen to in the depths of depression to music i listen to get out of it - from "when the world ends" and "my immortal" to "let that be enough" and "hey .. hey." such good songs. music spinning in my head. like lights, coloured lights. lamplit speech, tongues burning brightly in the sunrise, someone's licking the sun like a lollipop, someone's tickling the moon goodnight, someone's blowing at the stars like they're candles to be blown out -
holy shit, i left the milk out. ok. goodnight.